the telephone game
by xporcelain
Summary: In which Lucy is engaged, Levy is drunk, Mirajane is devious, and all Natsu wants is Lucy's bed.


**title:** the telephone game  
><strong>summary:<strong> In which Lucy is engaged, Levy is drunk, Mirajane is devious, and all Natsu wants is Lucy's bed.  
><strong>disclaimer: <strong>Fairy Tail © Hiro Mashima

**dedication: **to my cousin, because she basically wrote this.  
><strong>notes: <strong>so, i was at a family dinner, and my little cousin randomly starts babbling. she said something along the lines of, "I never wanna get married, cause you need to share your stuff. If I got married, I'd need to let him sleep in my bed!" and then she started going off on the whole topic. and, i randomly started thinking of Fairy Tail, and i wrote this. on my phone. while she was still babbling. i have hope for the next generation of my family.  
><strong>notes2:<strong> is this considered NaLu? i don't think it is. maybe. hm.  
><strong>notes3:<strong> GUYS I HAVE A PROBLEM. THIS IS THE THIRD TIME, IN DIFFERENT STORIES, I'VE WRITTEN SOMEONE SMACKING THEIR FACE OFF OF A TABLE. i think, somewhere deep down, i enjoy abusing the characters. damn.

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><p><em>the<br>__teleph__one game_

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><p><strong>:<strong>

**:**

It was all because Lucy had a comfy bed. Really.

Natsu loved Lucy's bed, and it was a fact everyone that invaded Lucy's apartment (Read: Natsu, Erza, Gray and Happy) knew. Lucy would come home, tired and hoping to jump straight into her (warmcomfyamazing) bed. Most of the time, she'd quite literally jump in. And everytime, she'd collide with a certain pink haired dragon slayer. She'd end up kicking/yanking him off, fall asleep blissfully alone, then wake up unblissfully _not_ alone. Things needed to change.

That's what Natsu thought, anyways.

''I just need one good plan,'' He said thoughtfully, rubbing his chin like those guys with goatee's did.

(_I think I should grow a goatee. They look weird, but it'd be so badass to just sit there and stroke it when I'm- wait, what're we talking about again?_)

''Oh, right, getting Lucy's bed!''

''What are you _talking_ about?''

Currently, Natsu, Happy and Gray were sitting at Fairy Tail's bar. It was one of those rare days when Natsu and Gray almost got along (didn't try to strangle eachother every five minutes) so it only seemed logical that Gray help Natsu out, right? Well, it would be, if Gray knew what was going on.

''Plan! To get Lucy to let me sleep in her bed!'' And then, under his breath, ''Idiot.''

''What was that?''

''Are you hearing things?''

''Why don't you just do the smart thing?'' Happy piped up, preventing the fire and ice mages from beginning another fight. Interested, but moreso Natsu, they turned to the cat. Happy smiled smugly. ''Marry her, duh.''

Gray then proceeded to un-naturally cough for the next minute.

After _that_, Natsu sent Happy an unsure look. ''Marry her? How does that solve anything?''

Happy sighed as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. ''Married people sleep in the same bed, Natsu! So, if you were married, she'd have no choice but to let you stay.'' Satisfied, the cat pulled a fish from his bag and began to munch on it. Natsu looked off in thought, seriously considering it. Gray actually facepalmed.

''Don't tell me you're actually considering this.''

''Gray, this bed.. It's comfy.''

''And?''

''You clearly don't understand: this bed is the comfiest thing to have ever been created.''

''Natsu,'' Gray said slowly, as if explaining something to a child, ''When people get married, it's because they love eachother, not because the other has comfy furniture.'' Natsu nodded, taking this into consideration. And, then...

''So I just need to tell her I love her, and I get the bed?''

Gray didn't facepalm this time. This time, he flat out smacked his face against the bar counter, leaving a dent.

''This, flamebrain, is why we don't get along.'' As yet another fight started heating up, both mages failed to notice a white haired barkeeper with selected hearing slowly come in from the back room, angelic smile on her face and devious glint in her eyes.

**:**

Mirajane started with Levy.

''So,'' She began to the blue haired girl, causing her to look up from her book with a smile.

''Oh, hey, Mira! What's up?''

Mirajane cut right to the chase, devious glint in her eyes back. ''Did you hear that thing about Natsu and Lucy?''

Levy raised an eyebrow. ''Lu-chan and Natsu? Can't say I have. What's going on with them?''

Mira gave a tiny, tiny shrug. ''Not much, usual unresolved sexual tension, just got back from a mission,'' She dropped her voice to a low whisper, cupping her hand around her mouth secretivly, ''Something about Natsu wanting to marry her so he can sleep with her.''

''WHAT!'' Mirajane quickly shushed the girl, who's outburst had gotten everyone nearby to look in their direction.

''You didn't hear it from me.'' She said, giving a small wink and turning on her heel.

**:**

Levy had no clue how to react.

Maybe she should've been happy, because, hello, this was Natsu and Lucy, the people everyone in the guild had only been waiting for forever and a day to get together?

Maybe she should've been protective, because, hi, this was _her_ Lucy who Natsu was trying to marry because he wanted _to have sex with her_?

Or, maybe, she should've been weirded out, because, sup, Lucy was like, seventeen, and was it even _legal_ for them to get married?

Needless to say, Levy's mind was one giant, jumbled mess. She tapped her nails on the bar counter, chin resting in the palm of her hand. _What to do, how to react, who to tell-_

''Damn, you look like you could use a drink.'' Levy looked over to see Cana, sipping (chugging) at her own glass (mug.)

She snorted. ''Cana, I'm not legal. And it's, what, 9:00 AM?''

''... Sorry, I think I'm missing the point.''

Levy rolled her eyes, _Typical Cana. But, she _does_ have a point... Maybe just a little..._

"Hey, Mira?"

**:**

Lucy was in a great mood.

She'd went to bed early, and woken up- _alone!_ -at the crack of dawn completely refreshed. After a morning walk, she had a nice, _long_ bath, and even got a chapter of her story done. She'd taken her time getting ready, and felt better than she had in weeks!

Approaching the guild, she smiled, devil may care.

_Hah, I'd like to see someone try to ruin this mood for me!_

Little did she know, Lucy had just jinxed herself.

Pushing open the guild doors, she took in the guild. It only had half of it's usual occupants; It was Sunday, and maybe 10:00. To early for most Fairies to be lazing around the place. A flash of blue by the bar caught her eye, and with cheery smile still in place, she made her way over to Levy.

As she neared, she noticed Cana sitting next to the blue haired girl, drinking as heavily as usual. Lucy almost rolled her eyes- _Who drinks this early? Then again, it is Cana, so it isn't _that_ bad..._

But as she neared, she noticed the odd way Levy was slouched onto the counter, as if it were propping her up. Shoving suspicious thoughts aside, she stopped behind her, giving a cheery, "Hey, guys!" She didn't noticed Cana's own amused smirk.

Slowly, Levy turned around, and Lucy could of gasped dramatically. Or screamed. Or something melodramatic like that. But, she didn't. Instead, she began to choke on her own saliva.

Levy was drunk. Not,_ 'hey-guys-the-sky's-moving'_ drunk. More like, _'hey-guys-the-sky's-gonna-eat-me'_ drunk. Her normally perfectly messy hair was just _messy_. She taken the headband off, tying it around her forehead and making herself look like a hippy. Her eyes drooped, yet somehow still managed to look wide. Lucy was almost positive she saw a small trail of saliva going down her chin.

Lucy could only gape. _Levy_? Tiny innocent looking Levy? _Drunk_? Someone _had_ to be blamed. And, since Cana was the closest one...

"Cana, how could you do this!"

The Card Mage _'tched'_. "All I did was say she _looked_ like she needed a drink. Everything after that was all her."

"How much did she have?"

"I don't know, a couple shots? Girl's a lightweight."

Lucy groaned. She had a feeling it more than a _couple shots_. Then, as if to prove her point, Levy blinked in a daze.

"Ooh, Lussy, yer' her!"

She waved, and would of fallen off the chair if Cana hadn't caught her elbow.

"Hi," Lucy said back, rather awkwardly. Turning to Cana, she said, "I think she should go home.."

Cana nodded. "Yeah, I'll take her. Come on, crunky," Effortlessly, she pulled the smaller girl off the stool, hooking an arm around her waist and walking away. Levy giggled, oblivious to everything. They almost got to the guild doors, too, before Levy appeared to remember something.

"Waait!" She squeaked, managing to surprise the older girl and wiggle out of her grasp. She then began to stumble her way back over to Lucy, gaining everyone that was present's attention. When she was almost there, she attempted to run, but fell flat on her face, right at Lucy's feet.

Lucy yelped, squatting down and trying to help the blue haired girl up.

"Cana, help me!"

"I-I, I can't- breathe!"

"Very helpful, Cana!"

Ignoring the laughing mage, she began the slow process of sitting Levy up.

"Teh' wething," Levy slurred suddenly(?), "Dun' do 'eet."

"_Huh_?" Surprised, Lucy lost her grip, resulting in Levy falling on her face- again.

"_Shit_- sorry!"

"Yer' weh-wething," Levy continued, ignoring the fact she was practically eating the floor, "He wans yer' goodies!"

"What are you talking about?" Lucy sighed, once again propping the girl up. However, she missed the fact that everyone in the guild hall was now staring at them.

"Nasu, yer' wething, all fer' secks,"

At this point, Lucy just let go. Surprisingly, Levy managed to keep herself up, sitting up and staring at her seriously- or as serious as an intoxicated person could. "Lussy, he's usin' yah fer' yer' vajin-"

"Oh my god, Levy!" Lucy wailed, arms flailing infront of her, as if to slap away the words, "I'm not getting married! Let alone to Natsu! Let alone for- to have- just for- No!"

"But," Levy lifted a finger in the arm, falling forward slightly, "I gotsa 'liable source."

"_Who_?"

"M-M-M- _Jaaaane_."

"Wha-"

"You're engaged?"

Lucy spun around to see Erza, mild shock on her face. Just as she was about to say _no_, possibly with a _hell_ infront, Levy spoke up with a rather loud, "Yeeeup!"

"I'm _not_!"

"To who?" The redhead asked, completely ignoring Lucy- and oblivious to Levy's blood alcohol level.

"Nasu!"

"Oh?" Erza nodded, no more shock in her features, "About time."

Lucy groaned, "Erza, I'm not-"

"The child will be named after me."

"... Eh?"

"When you have a baby," Erza nodded again, "It will be named after me."

"... What if it's a boy?"

"I don't see your point."

"Poor kid..." Lucy frowned. Then, it struck her, "Wait, No! No poor kid! There _isn't_ a kid!"

"I hope not, you aren't married yet."

"No! There's not gonna _be_ a kid! We aren't getting married!"

"Married?"

Spinning around once more, Lucy actually screamed. _When did this many people get here?_ It seemed like almost the entire guild was suddenly there, all staring at her- or maybe is was the passed out Levy on the ground?

"About time!"

"Wait, did they say _baby_?"

Nope, it was her.

"Everyone!" She called, attempting to smile- and most likely failing miserably, "I'm not engaged-"

She cut off as the guild doors swung open. Everyone turned towards the doors, squinting against the sun that streamed in. The figure walked in, not yet recognizable-

"Hey! Hey, Luce!"

Lucy sighed with relief as Natsu came running into the guild. _Great! Now he can help me tell these idiots that we _aren't_ getting married!_

She smiled hopefully as he jogged over, and still as he stood infront of her, putting a hand on each of her shoulders. _What is he doing?_

"Lucy," He began, expression going serious, "I love you."

And Lucy was still smiling. She stared blankly, seeming to zone out.

The guild was dead quiet, until someone awkwardly coughed.

Lucy still smiled. Even as she slowly raised her fist, then repeatedly began bashing it over Natsu's head.

And she was still smiling as she walked out of the guild. Smiling and twitching and _oh god she was going to snap_.

As soon as the guild doors swung shut, a loud, blood curdling scream tore through the air.

Everyone crowded around Natsu, who'd literally been beaten into the floor. Slowly sitting up, he looked around in a daze. Happy flew above his head, eyes wider than usual. Natsu looked up at the blue cat, grin stretching onto his face.

"So, you think I got the bed?"

"Aye, sir!"

"Sweet." He then collapsed back onto the floor, using a still passed out Levy as a pillow.

Standing behind the bar, pale arms crossed, Mirajane pouted.

"Well, that didn't work out how I expected it to."

**:**

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><p><strong>notes3:<strong> i had no idea how to end this. and why is it, every time i write, it's all Levy's fault, Lucy's getting mindfucked, Natsu walks in dramatically, and people get abused?**  
>notes4:<strong> Levy = Tiny Body + Hard Alcohol = Mess in a Dress. yes, Mirajane planned ahead. i don't know why, but i love screwing with Levy. writing her dialogue was so fun. and apparently, in Fairy Tail, the legal drinking age is fifteen, sixteen? i didn't know that until after this was written, and i'm to lazy to fix it. so, hah.  
><strong>notes5:<strong> "Check out my new show, Big Brotha From Anotha Motha's Got Talent."


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